Shiny Toy Syndrome: knowing what’s real
A guy recently pointed out a certain conundrum that he believes guys face. I think it applies to both genders and it’s sort of a flaw of being human, so I’m going to share. No matter how much we grow up the “kid in a candy store” analogy applies to all sorts of our behaviors. For our purposes let’s call it a “kid in a toy store” analogy. Of course most of us don’t really care about toys anymore so if you want to you can apply it to entering an Apple store. All the pretty, shiny technologies! It’s the same thing the minute we step foot into a new ward. We look around to scope out the prospects. You know you do.
So what happens after our eyes pop out of our head from the exciting array of newness in front of us? Well we’re kids, we’re not grown ups (seriously, just look at the way girls giggle talking about dating or the way guys get excited over a new basketball game). I think if we were mature enough to handle that array of whizzing gadgets and startling gizmos, we would step up to the plate with the perspective that we’re really only going to get what suits us best. Unfortunately, we don’t walk straight to the thing we really need. We never do. Like kids, we wander through isle after isle even though we know that there’s something specific we’re looking for. And, because most of us have an attention span of about thirty seconds surrounded by all the pretties, we lock our eyes on something that is…beautiful.
Note on the word beautiful: when I say it, I don’t mean beautiful as in “look at that hair, look at those eyes.” Obviously that’s one interpretation of the word, but for some people beautiful is defined by something else. Beautiful could mean their spirit, their heart, their sense of humor, their kindness. We all see beautiful and define beauty differently. That’s why no one is ever out of anyone else’s league, you never know how beautiful you really are.
Anyway, so we lock our eyes on our shiny, beautiful new toy and then we go for them immediately. Because we’ve lost our sights on everything else around. Basically that thing might as well be singing the hallelujah chorus while the rest of the world goes blurry. It’s a cheesy movie scene, but it works. And we’re goners! Now we’ve met the person, found this thing that is beautiful and we will do anything we can to justify having it. No, it’s not exactly what we came here for or what we really need, but look! Look how pretty!
Then we start to justify this person. We’ve already decided that they’re perfect so all things must fit into that label of perfection. They don’t really get along well with your friends, but that’s okay because you don’t even like your friends anyway. They don’t like talking about their feelings, but neither do you. Or they’re all about the sharing so now you’re all for it too!
Because our new shiny toy can’t possibly be bad! Just look at it! It’s beautiful! And we want it so bad!
But eventually the moment comes when we realize we’ve gotten in too far with our shiny new toy and we were unhappy with it all along and it’s so hard to let go. Now it’s still beautiful and we’re comfortable having it around. That’s when things get even more difficult.
The solution: don’t justify the shiny toy! Go for what you came here for!
So this week learn to recognize shiny toy syndrome! Attraction to things that are beautiful is obviously necessary for a good relationship. There should be some beauty about them, but you shouldn’t have to justify that beauty. It should justify itself.
The Funny YSA
Monday, February 6, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Say Yes: It's the new pro-dating motto.
This week’s subject: Ladies. Just say yes.
Seriously, I’m not sure what it was that snapped in the young women lately, somehow the divine nature section of our personal progress taught us that we’re too good for guys.
Believe me, I’m all for women’s empowerment. I don’t believe that we’re the lesser gender or that a woman needs a man to make her into a real person. What I do believe in is the fact that Adam by himself on this earth was completely pointless. I’m sure he just wandered around Eden in the buff, being bored, until God made Eve. Then it was like bam! Oh hey, there’s the wonderful person you can talk to and now it’s possible for the fall (which we all knew was necessary) to happen so that the world can be populated. We’re meant to have a companion. To move forward into eternity with a partner.
So here’s my question: how is that supposed to happen if you say no to dates?
I’m not exactly sure what the logic is behind saying no. Hold on, let me put myself in that position and imagine. Here I am, twenty-one years old and facing constant pushing from my family over getting married and some nice young man from my ward is calling me. I answer though I am painting my toenails. (I’m not sure why I’m painting my toenails, but let’s just go with that. Toenail hygiene can be important.)
“Hey Karen.”
(Again, like the toenails, I have no idea why I’m Karen in this scenario. It seems like a name from a seminary video or something)
The guy is obviously nervous. I would be too. Fear of rejection makes even the most well-spoken of us turn into bumbling buffoons. Once a guy threw his phone at me because he couldn’t just ask for my phone number he was so nervous. But this guy, taking the time to call me (Karen), thinks that I (still Karen) am worth the risk. Worth. The. Risk.
So we exchange a few pleasantries and he says something like, “Hey, I was wondering if maybe you want to go out on Saturday?”
Only, poor guy, he’s so nervous he says it too fast to understand so I make him say it again. Like some kind of devil woman built for his own personal torture. He asks again and there’s that awkward pause where he sits and sweats and my brain goes at a million mile a minute.
And what am I thinking? If I’m Karen, and I’m the type of girl that says no to dates, I’m thinking…no I can’t because Saturday I’ve booked that evening for studying for test out of fear that I won’t have anything to do on a Saturday night. So clearly I have to stick to that obligation that was built to prevent me from feeling lonely, because a date wouldn’t alleviate that challenge.
Or maybe I’m thinking, ah! I don’t want to go out on a date. A first date obviously entails that a relationship will follow and relationships automatically mean marriage and I can’t get married! I want to go on a mission. Because of course the prophets haven’t said that marriage should be the priority for young women in the church. And of course all dates lead to serious, long-term relationships. It isn’t reasonable to assume that maybe I can go on a date without expecting anything but a fun evening out of it.
Or maybe I’m thinking. I have a girls’ night planned on Saturday. All of my other unmarried friends are going to get together and talk about guys instead of being with them because our relationships with each other are far more important than the eventuality of an eternal companion.
Or maybe I’m thinking Kevin (he’s Kevin to match my Karen, I’m on a K-name kick today) isn’t the guy I’m into. Sometimes he’s a little awkward (or insert whatever, completely valid, reason you have to think you won’t be too into this guy, his hair is thinning, whatever) and I don’t think I’ll end up with him so I don’t want to even bother sacrificing one evening of my time to prove to him that there are girls out there who will say yes and he does still have a chance at finding his girl. Even if I know it isn’t me.
You picked up on all the sarcasm there, right? Because the thing is, despite the numerous reasons you can give yourself to say no, what do you really have to lose if you go on one date?
Here’s my rule. If he’s not dangerous and you’re not already committed to something incredibly important (i.e. funeral, previously planned date, your best friend’s wedding, your sister/brother’s wedding, your own wedding, work, or a test) then you go on a first date. Just go. It’s only a first date. The very worst thing that could happen is that it could be slightly awkward and you end up with a hilarious first date story about a guy who wished he was born in Medieval times.
Because this guy, whoever he is, plucked up all his courage to put himself out there and ask you out because he thinks you’re great. I think of it this way. Agreeing to go out on a date with a guy is proving to him and yourself that you are worth it.
Which I believe is something God tells us all the time. In case my authority isn’t good enough for you, take it from one of his apostles.
“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely…What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us.”
~Dieter F. Uchtdorf
So just say yes. Because it's acknowledgeing that God's opinion that there is hope for you no matter what.
The YSA
Seriously, I’m not sure what it was that snapped in the young women lately, somehow the divine nature section of our personal progress taught us that we’re too good for guys.
Believe me, I’m all for women’s empowerment. I don’t believe that we’re the lesser gender or that a woman needs a man to make her into a real person. What I do believe in is the fact that Adam by himself on this earth was completely pointless. I’m sure he just wandered around Eden in the buff, being bored, until God made Eve. Then it was like bam! Oh hey, there’s the wonderful person you can talk to and now it’s possible for the fall (which we all knew was necessary) to happen so that the world can be populated. We’re meant to have a companion. To move forward into eternity with a partner.
So here’s my question: how is that supposed to happen if you say no to dates?
I’m not exactly sure what the logic is behind saying no. Hold on, let me put myself in that position and imagine. Here I am, twenty-one years old and facing constant pushing from my family over getting married and some nice young man from my ward is calling me. I answer though I am painting my toenails. (I’m not sure why I’m painting my toenails, but let’s just go with that. Toenail hygiene can be important.)
“Hey Karen.”
(Again, like the toenails, I have no idea why I’m Karen in this scenario. It seems like a name from a seminary video or something)
The guy is obviously nervous. I would be too. Fear of rejection makes even the most well-spoken of us turn into bumbling buffoons. Once a guy threw his phone at me because he couldn’t just ask for my phone number he was so nervous. But this guy, taking the time to call me (Karen), thinks that I (still Karen) am worth the risk. Worth. The. Risk.
So we exchange a few pleasantries and he says something like, “Hey, I was wondering if maybe you want to go out on Saturday?”
Only, poor guy, he’s so nervous he says it too fast to understand so I make him say it again. Like some kind of devil woman built for his own personal torture. He asks again and there’s that awkward pause where he sits and sweats and my brain goes at a million mile a minute.
And what am I thinking? If I’m Karen, and I’m the type of girl that says no to dates, I’m thinking…no I can’t because Saturday I’ve booked that evening for studying for test out of fear that I won’t have anything to do on a Saturday night. So clearly I have to stick to that obligation that was built to prevent me from feeling lonely, because a date wouldn’t alleviate that challenge.
Or maybe I’m thinking, ah! I don’t want to go out on a date. A first date obviously entails that a relationship will follow and relationships automatically mean marriage and I can’t get married! I want to go on a mission. Because of course the prophets haven’t said that marriage should be the priority for young women in the church. And of course all dates lead to serious, long-term relationships. It isn’t reasonable to assume that maybe I can go on a date without expecting anything but a fun evening out of it.
Or maybe I’m thinking. I have a girls’ night planned on Saturday. All of my other unmarried friends are going to get together and talk about guys instead of being with them because our relationships with each other are far more important than the eventuality of an eternal companion.
Or maybe I’m thinking Kevin (he’s Kevin to match my Karen, I’m on a K-name kick today) isn’t the guy I’m into. Sometimes he’s a little awkward (or insert whatever, completely valid, reason you have to think you won’t be too into this guy, his hair is thinning, whatever) and I don’t think I’ll end up with him so I don’t want to even bother sacrificing one evening of my time to prove to him that there are girls out there who will say yes and he does still have a chance at finding his girl. Even if I know it isn’t me.
You picked up on all the sarcasm there, right? Because the thing is, despite the numerous reasons you can give yourself to say no, what do you really have to lose if you go on one date?
Here’s my rule. If he’s not dangerous and you’re not already committed to something incredibly important (i.e. funeral, previously planned date, your best friend’s wedding, your sister/brother’s wedding, your own wedding, work, or a test) then you go on a first date. Just go. It’s only a first date. The very worst thing that could happen is that it could be slightly awkward and you end up with a hilarious first date story about a guy who wished he was born in Medieval times.
Because this guy, whoever he is, plucked up all his courage to put himself out there and ask you out because he thinks you’re great. I think of it this way. Agreeing to go out on a date with a guy is proving to him and yourself that you are worth it.
Which I believe is something God tells us all the time. In case my authority isn’t good enough for you, take it from one of his apostles.
“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely…What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us.”
~Dieter F. Uchtdorf
So just say yes. Because it's acknowledgeing that God's opinion that there is hope for you no matter what.
The YSA
Introducing...
It’s been pointed out to me recently that my perspective on the dating world is often sought out. This came as a bit of a shock. Not that I haven’t noticed the occasional whining question of how do you handle this or what do I do about that. It just seems pointless to me. I’m the girl who gets told “you’ve dated everybody!” and asked “why aren’t you married yet?” My success when it comes to the opposite sex has been limited. At least, that’s what I think as I sit here alone under my blanket and blog. Like some sad character from an SNL sketch.
Anyway, despite what I would perceive as my apparent failure in the dating realm, there is one thing I have always been good at. Giving my opinion. No frills or fancies and no softening anything up. I’ve always been here with the hard line. There’s no point in trying to make people feel better in the moment if it only hurts them in the long run, is there? I guess my constant willingness to share my thoughts sometimes makes the people around me retreat, but there are the few people who find me…if not refreshing, well then at least illuminating.
And what on this planet do I have more to say about than the dating world? For people like me (single people, that is) it drives our lives! I mean sure; success, grades, paychecks, all of that matters. We have to find some way to live, but love…well that’s what we end up living for. That’s why I, and just about every girl I know, enter a room and scope it out immediately for attractive men. We can’t help it! It’s built into us to seek for somebody to love! Unfortunately, on that road there are the inevitable complications. That’s when we end up sitting around with our best friends and asking over and over again…”Why?”
I’m not a grandmaster of all knowledge. I don’t claim to know much, really. But once a week I’ll be getting on my blog to share my opinions based on the small knowledge I do have. I hope you’ll all enjoy!
Anyway, despite what I would perceive as my apparent failure in the dating realm, there is one thing I have always been good at. Giving my opinion. No frills or fancies and no softening anything up. I’ve always been here with the hard line. There’s no point in trying to make people feel better in the moment if it only hurts them in the long run, is there? I guess my constant willingness to share my thoughts sometimes makes the people around me retreat, but there are the few people who find me…if not refreshing, well then at least illuminating.
And what on this planet do I have more to say about than the dating world? For people like me (single people, that is) it drives our lives! I mean sure; success, grades, paychecks, all of that matters. We have to find some way to live, but love…well that’s what we end up living for. That’s why I, and just about every girl I know, enter a room and scope it out immediately for attractive men. We can’t help it! It’s built into us to seek for somebody to love! Unfortunately, on that road there are the inevitable complications. That’s when we end up sitting around with our best friends and asking over and over again…”Why?”
I’m not a grandmaster of all knowledge. I don’t claim to know much, really. But once a week I’ll be getting on my blog to share my opinions based on the small knowledge I do have. I hope you’ll all enjoy!
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